16 years old.
I'm constantly afraid that a solar flare is going to ruin the entirety of society and the internet will be taken away from all of us at the blink of an eye.
What the fuck am I!?
Jesus... Tapdancing Christ.
I constantly wonder who the FUCK I AM!
when I was like 7... I was crying in the back of the car.... except... I was trying not to ....My dad always told me to be "stoic" and not show any emotion because thats for GIRLS to do...
I was excited... I didnt cry.
For the first time in my life back then in the back of a brown toyota in amarillo...
I didnt cry.
Now I cant...
Not in the normal way..
I constantly pick apart the fact I'm crying and I dont know why
I hate it. Im sick of it.
I fucking hate it..
I live my life constantly seeming happy.
Does anyone ever notice who the FUck I AM!>?
Will rami ismail ever give a shit about me?
Will Anyone give a shit about me.
Will I give a shit about myself
Noone gives me help.
Sounds like a hyperbole but its true..
Therapy was for the divorce... he didnt really deal with much else..
It mostly stemmed from the abuse of my dad.
He's out of our lives now..
But his words... His racist words...
They've seeped deep into my soul.. Penetrated my being
They've poisoned me...and I dont know how to undo it.
Every day. No joke.
Every day of my life. My Thoughts randomly become racist and terrible and terrifying.. I'm scared of myself... These intrusive thoughts randomly make me question if I'm a good person...
I dont feel like a good person I just feel like a pervert...
Why am I built like this?!
Was it the surgeries!?
The anesthesia?
The Complete lack of any compassion.. Except for my mom.
She's overworking herself 24/7
I need to tell her I love her more
I need to tell her I care about her more.
i need to tell her how much she means to me.
I need to tell her how much... i care.
She gives herself for all of us.
She taught me all of this..
She's dedicated her entire life to my existence...
If that isnt love... I dont know what "true love" is..
She has been screwed over by everyone.
Her mom.
Her bosses
Coworkers
Friends turned enemies
Fucking even her teachers..
The closest thing she has had to someone who loved her was her dad.
What is love.
Does my dad deserve love?
Should I still love my dad even though I have constantly had these racist bigoted thoughts I cant control. But I want to control. Why Should I Forgive him?! Why do I already forgive him!?
Why do I do this
Why do I scream in the void.
Why does anyone hurt themselves.
Why is suicide so popular...
I feel like an idiot all the time.
Noone Understands me.
And I dont understand who I am.
Am I a guy? No
am I a girl? I dont know
I dont know who I am.
I dont like choosing a political side
I dont like choosing sides to begin with.
Or religion for that matter.
Its so vague and everyone gets killed over it.
Why would anyone allow this..
Free will is the beauty of the world.
And the Death of it.
Sometimes... Randomly I post a twitter link to an article I write.
I get zero response...
I get zero feedback..
Will I ever meet the people who have inspired me?
Phil fish?
If you're reading this...
You're one of the reasons I'm making games right now.
You'll probably never read this. But... I love and care about you.
I wish I could genuinely hug the guy.
He's gone from the internet though..
For who knows how long..
im ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of who I've let myself become
Am I better? Yes
But I just let so many things get worse and worse.
I feel like a bad brother.
I feel like I lose sense of reality.
Like... a feeling when you're watching a movie but 24/7
And I want it to stop.
Just take me back to reality.. I want to be in reality
I just want this to end...
Do people hate me because of my cleft palate?
Do you?
Person reading this. Do you give a shit about me?
Where is the mind of the youth who work themselves to the bone because older generations say they are lazier.... What is the true meaning of death.. Is it the end?
Is it just another plane of existence?
Who knows.
I'm getting off now..
I'm constantly afraid that a solar flare is going to ruin the entirety of society and the internet will be taken away from all of us at the blink of an eye.
What the fuck am I!?
Jesus... Tapdancing Christ.
I constantly wonder who the FUCK I AM!
when I was like 7... I was crying in the back of the car.... except... I was trying not to ....My dad always told me to be "stoic" and not show any emotion because thats for GIRLS to do...
I was excited... I didnt cry.
For the first time in my life back then in the back of a brown toyota in amarillo...
I didnt cry.
Now I cant...
Not in the normal way..
I constantly pick apart the fact I'm crying and I dont know why
I hate it. Im sick of it.
I fucking hate it..
I live my life constantly seeming happy.
Does anyone ever notice who the FUck I AM!>?
Will rami ismail ever give a shit about me?
Will Anyone give a shit about me.
Will I give a shit about myself
Noone gives me help.
Sounds like a hyperbole but its true..
Therapy was for the divorce... he didnt really deal with much else..
It mostly stemmed from the abuse of my dad.
He's out of our lives now..
But his words... His racist words...
They've seeped deep into my soul.. Penetrated my being
They've poisoned me...and I dont know how to undo it.
Every day. No joke.
Every day of my life. My Thoughts randomly become racist and terrible and terrifying.. I'm scared of myself... These intrusive thoughts randomly make me question if I'm a good person...
I dont feel like a good person I just feel like a pervert...
Why am I built like this?!
Was it the surgeries!?
The anesthesia?
The Complete lack of any compassion.. Except for my mom.
She's overworking herself 24/7
I need to tell her I love her more
I need to tell her I care about her more.
i need to tell her how much she means to me.
I need to tell her how much... i care.
She gives herself for all of us.
She taught me all of this..
She's dedicated her entire life to my existence...
If that isnt love... I dont know what "true love" is..
She has been screwed over by everyone.
Her mom.
Her bosses
Coworkers
Friends turned enemies
Fucking even her teachers..
The closest thing she has had to someone who loved her was her dad.
What is love.
Does my dad deserve love?
Should I still love my dad even though I have constantly had these racist bigoted thoughts I cant control. But I want to control. Why Should I Forgive him?! Why do I already forgive him!?
Why do I do this
Why do I scream in the void.
Why does anyone hurt themselves.
Why is suicide so popular...
I feel like an idiot all the time.
Noone Understands me.
And I dont understand who I am.
Am I a guy? No
am I a girl? I dont know
I dont know who I am.
I dont like choosing a political side
I dont like choosing sides to begin with.
Or religion for that matter.
Its so vague and everyone gets killed over it.
Why would anyone allow this..
Free will is the beauty of the world.
And the Death of it.
Sometimes... Randomly I post a twitter link to an article I write.
I get zero response...
I get zero feedback..
Will I ever meet the people who have inspired me?
Phil fish?
If you're reading this...
You're one of the reasons I'm making games right now.
You'll probably never read this. But... I love and care about you.
I wish I could genuinely hug the guy.
He's gone from the internet though..
For who knows how long..
im ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of who I've let myself become
Am I better? Yes
But I just let so many things get worse and worse.
I feel like a bad brother.
I feel like I lose sense of reality.
Like... a feeling when you're watching a movie but 24/7
And I want it to stop.
Just take me back to reality.. I want to be in reality
I just want this to end...
Do people hate me because of my cleft palate?
Do you?
Person reading this. Do you give a shit about me?
Where is the mind of the youth who work themselves to the bone because older generations say they are lazier.... What is the true meaning of death.. Is it the end?
Is it just another plane of existence?
Who knows.
I'm getting off now..
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